After much debate, here in this essay my presentation of the inevitable conclusion: verbs bad. The procurement of an accurate depiction of society much easier without them. Reflection of society: passive. No action...like us. Perhaps your thoughts, "Impossible! What a silly essay writer! In existence a need for verbs in language! Speech of my third grade English teacher Mrs. Smith confirmation for that idea! Verbs good! No possibility of coherent speech without them! Without verbs, pretty good imitation of Yoda! And nothing more! No more erudition, no more delicacy in language! Language only a broken mirror, a litter of fragments on the page!"
Ah, faithful reader, my answer to that: erudition possible without verbs. More difficult, yes, but still possible. In most people’s possession, no affinity for action. So, why the stubborn persistence of verb usage? Still a capacity for big word use without them. Like weight loss after amputation of leg: sixty pounds lighter, and still fat. Another special bonus, with this hypothetical divorce from verb usage: no gangrene of actual thought. No guilt food for the soul. 50% grammar budget of before. In existence, a possibility for a complete and satisfying life without a lot of words. Many of them verbs! Knowledge of verbs just not in the possession of most American laypeople. For them, picture of happiness: beer plentiful, couch comfy, large-screen television. Their speech: "Verb? What that? Huh? Hey...me on TV?" So, for an easier, more efficient, marginally more fun life, elimination of verbs necessary. For those who possession of persistence in verb usage: ostracization necessary. No speech from us to them, but for "VERBS BAD! YOU VERB USAGE POSSESSION! OSTRACIZATION NECESSARY!" as reminder of transgression. A possibility: Special Verbs Bad Knowledge Acquisition Camps & Reebok Factories in the Mojave Desert. Maybe Stalinist Anti-Verb Purges. Or even little Red Book—really just Warriner's English Grammar, but without all the verb chapters. Recitation from this book necessary upon the demand of a Verbs Bad Official. But, digression. Verbs bad good critical thinking tool, also. Possible remedy for failing American schools. Soaring imagination at the thought of American schoolchildren's performance on international Verbs Bad exams. Because for speech without verbs, knowledge of parts of speech necessary. Knowledge of many words (especially gerunds) necessary. Appearance of new thoughts and creative solutions to problems. Wrinkly brain acquisition after much verbs bad practice. Many new neuron connections. Altogether, a heightening of consciousness and awareness, and all because verbs no longer in use.
Elimination of verbs a "leg up" into the intelligentsia, as well. Your thoughts, now: What most detestable part of high school Latin or Spanish or French or German class? Verbs, of course. Conjugations and tenses and verb endings and irregular stems until the flight of pigs and blue faces. Perhaps Harvard acceptance letter for you, if no verbs in the Spanish language. Ah, hypotheticals!
A language with verbs but without nouns? Impossible. A language with verbs, but no prepositions? Incomprehensible. The English language without adjectives and with verbs? Possibility, but result: many upset teenaged girls and delightful, flowery, passionate, verbose and unemployable romance novel writers. And in existence, not just a duller life but much more confusion. Elimination of the verbs from our language, however, and still comprehensible speech patterns in existence. And how appropriate—lack of verbs a reflection of the themes of society. Yes, a return to the metaphor from earlier in the essay. And how apt, the reflection in this mirror of language without verbs. Fragments on the floor, blood from sharp edges. When commencement of reconstruction of mirror? When elimination of verbs?
And so, now for the big conclusion: Verbs just plain bad. Adjectives good, nouns very good, gerunds vital, articles negligible, adverbs even acceptable, but only under certain circumstances. But verbs, they still bad. Each verb a lie in a world where discovery of truth more difficult every hour. And always that mirror, the fragments on the floor, under our feet. Broken, but without possibility of repair? Perhaps no possibility of repair in existence. Until knowledge of the answer, verbs bad and their elimination a vital goal. Americans, presentation of you more accurate without verbs. But, in my knowledge, only this burning thought. My insistence of your abandonment of all the verbs in your possession immediately!
Gratitude, and good night to you, dear reader.
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